There’s a trend shaping how people treat each other these days. We’re in an era of self-awareness, and Gen Zs has a phrase for almost every pattern of behaviour: “I return energy.” If you’re kind to me, I’ll be kind to you. If you’re rude, I’ll be ruder. Some put it as having “multiple personalities”; the version you get depends on how you treat them.
And honestly, it’s okay. It’s human to respond to others in kind. Kindness invites kindness; hostility invites hostility. Cialdini’s principle of reciprocity captures this well: when someone does something for us, we feel an internal pressure to repay it, which is why free samples and small favours tend to increase compliance later. The same logic runs through relationships: when giving is one-sided for too long, resentment and burnout follow.
So after hearing “I return energy” one too many times, I decided to try it myself. I stopped replying early to people who didn’t reply to me early. I stopped checking on a sick colleague because she’d never checked on me. I ignored calls from people who only called when they needed something. And the worst one: I almost didn’t thank someone because they hadn’t thanked me when they should have.
I wasn’t proud of myself. I told myself, Aisha, you just learned to respect yourself. But then: where is your home training? Your Islamic and psychology knowledge? Your preaching? You’re kind, and you preach kindness. You’ve always been prompt to reply, always the one to initiate; aren’t those the qualities that make you you? What others display is what they are; let them be, and be yourself too.
Here’s the thing, though: some people simply don’t know how to be kind, and it won’t hurt if someone teaches them. I have a neighbour who never once came to greet me first. I went to her instead… haqqin maqwabtaka, the right of a neighbour in faith. The first time she ever knocked on my door was to borrow something. She was ashamed. I laughed it off.
I kept being me, letting her know when I travelled, sending tsaraba on my return. With time, she learned to call and check on us too. If I’d returned energy the first time, I doubt that relationship would exist today.So: don’t lose yourself trying to match energy, but don’t be a fool about it either. Read the room. Understand whether a behaviour is intentional or born of ignorance, a pattern or a slip. Make allowances before you return negative energy. As my colleague Fareeda says — balance is the guiding word. Know how to be kind without letting yourself be trampled on.
So I’ll leave you with this: Is “returning energy” really self-respect, or sometimes just an excuse to stop being kind? And who in your own life taught you how to treat people, not by lecturing you, but simply by how they kept treating you?
Aisha Musa Auyo, PhD, is an Educational Psychologist, author, and media professional passionate about translating research into practical, everyday impact. She writes on parenting, family dynamics, and education, drawing from both professional expertise and personal experience. She is also a parenting and relationship coach and the founder of Eesher Auyo’s Empire. She is based in Abuja, Nigeria.
