Marriage is one of the most important institutions in African society. It is not merely the coming together of two individuals; it is traditionally the joining of families, communities, values and responsibilities. In Nigeria, marriage carries deep cultural, religious and social significance. Across our diverse ethnic groups, traditional marriage rites have served for generations as a means of demonstrating respect to families, seeking parental consent and formally welcoming a woman into her husband’s family.
However, the world is changing, and society is changing with it.
Our economy has changed. The purchasing power of young people has changed. The structure of families has changed. Women are increasingly educated, economically independent and professionally engaged. Young men and women are also establishing their families without the extensive financial support that previous generations enjoyed.
It is therefore time for Nigerians, particularly parents, traditional rulers, community leaders and custodians of culture, to have an honest conversation about bride price, marriage lists and the growing cost of traditional marriage ceremonies.
This conversation should not be interpreted as an attempt to destroy our culture. Rather, it should be understood as a call to preserve the essence of our culture while removing practices that have become unnecessarily burdensome.
Bride Price Was Never Meant to Be the Price of a Woman
Bride price, in its traditional understanding, is not supposed to represent the purchase of a woman.
In many Nigerian societies, it is a symbolic expression of appreciation to the bride’s parents and recognition of the family that raised her. It also represents the groom’s commitment and the formal acceptance of the marriage by both families. Contemporary accounts of Nigerian marriage customs similarly describe bride price as a symbolic family institution rather than a commercial purchase of a woman.
If this is the essence of bride price, then the question we must ask is:
When did a symbolic expression of appreciation become a financial obstacle to marriage?
There is nothing wrong with parents receiving a reasonable and culturally appropriate bride price. There is also nothing wrong with traditional items such as kola nuts, drinks, food, clothing or other symbolic gifts where these genuinely form part of a community’s custom.
The problem begins when the number of demands becomes so extensive that an intending husband must spend years saving, borrowing money or selling valuable property before he can marry the woman he loves.
Marriage should establish a family, not financially cripple the people who are trying to establish one.
The Real Cost Is Often More Than the Bride Price
One of the important distinctions we need to make is between bride price itself and the wider financial demands attached to traditional marriage.
In many Nigerian communities, the actual bride price may be relatively modest, while the total cost of satisfying the traditional marriage list, gifts, drinks, clothing, food, transportation, entertainment, ceremonies and other obligations becomes enormous. Recent Nigerian discussions have similarly observed that excessive marriage lists, rather than the symbolic bride price alone, can create significant financial pressure.
This distinction is important.
We should not blame bride price for every expensive marriage. We should examine the entire structure of the marriage process.
How many visits are necessary?
How many ceremonies must be performed?
How many people must receive money?
How many bottles of drinks must be purchased?
How many items must appear on the marriage list?
How many relatives must be financially settled?
How many clothes, wrappers, shoes, bags, food items and other gifts are really necessary?
At what point does a cultural ceremony cease to be a celebration and become a financial examination of the intending husband?
These are difficult questions, but they deserve honest answers.
The Young Couple Must Also Have a FuturePerhaps the most important consideration in marriage today is that the young couple needs resources to build a home after the ceremony.
A young man may spend millions of naira satisfying marriage requirements and then begin married life with debts.
A young woman may enter marriage with her husband financially exhausted.
The couple may subsequently struggle to pay rent, furnish their home, continue their education, start a business, care for children or respond to emergencies.
What, then, have we achieved?
We have successfully organized an elaborate wedding, but we may have weakened the financial foundation of the marriage.
Marriage should not be judged by the number of drinks purchased, the number of people entertained or the size of the ceremony.
The real success of a marriage is seen years later in the stability of the home, the welfare of the children, mutual respect, companionship, economic security and the ability of the couple to survive life’s difficulties together.
The Particular Challenge of Riverine Communities in Rivers State
This conversation is particularly important in some riverine communities of Rivers State, where traditional marriage ceremonies can involve several stages, extensive preparations and substantial expenditure.
Among Kalabari traditions, for example, Iya marriage is recognised as a particularly elaborate and expensive form of marriage. Sources describing Kalabari marriage traditions identify Iya alongside other forms such as Igwa and describe Iya as the highest or most elaborate form of traditional marriage.
Historical and contemporary accounts also show that the meaning and implications of these marriage forms are connected to questions of family membership, inheritance and the status of women and children.
This history deserves respect.
But respect for history does not mean that every aspect of an old system must remain unchanged forever.
Our ancestors created institutions to respond to the circumstances of their time. We live in a different economic, social and technological environment.
The question should therefore not be, “How do we destroy Iya?”
The better question is:
“How can we preserve the dignity, symbolism and identity of Iya while making the marriage process affordable for today’s families?”
That is the conversation we should be having.
Iya Marriage Should Not Become a Competition in Wealth
There is a danger when an elaborate traditional marriage becomes a measure of social status.
A wealthy family can afford an expensive ceremony. Another family may not.
Should the inability of a young man to spend enormous sums prevent him from marrying the woman he loves?
Should young couples postpone marriage for many years simply because they cannot meet an increasingly elaborate list?
Should parents demand from a young couple the kind of financial capacity that took an entire generation to acquire?
These questions are particularly important in an economy where young people face unemployment, inflation, housing difficulties, transportation costs and limited access to capital.
Culture should unite society, not create unnecessary barriers to family formation.
Let Us Separate the Essential from the Excessive
There is a practical solution.Traditional marriage rites should be divided into two categories:
Essential cultural requirements and optional ceremonial additions.
The essential requirements should be kept simple, affordable and meaningful.
For example, depending on the particular community’s custom, the essential process could include:
formal introduction of the families; consent of the bride and groom;parental and family approval; presentation of kola or other culturally significant items; a reasonable and symbolic bride price; necessary traditional prayers or blessings; the formal handing over or recognition of the bride;a modest family celebration.
Everything beyond these essentials should be optional.
If a family wants a larger celebration and can comfortably afford it, there is nothing wrong with that.
But it should never become a compulsory condition for marriage.
A Token Bride Price Can Preserve the Meaning of TraditionI strongly believe that the symbolic nature of bride price should be restored and protected.
A bride is not a commodity.
Her worth cannot be calculated in naira.
No amount of money can equal the value of a human being, a daughter, a wife, a mother or a future partner.
The bride price should therefore remain a token of respect, appreciation and family acceptance, rather than an economic transaction.
A modest bride price does not reduce the dignity of the bride.
Indeed, it may reinforce the understanding that the woman herself is priceless.
The real investment should be in the marriage—not merely in the ceremony.
Let the Couple Begin Their Life Together
Imagine a young couple who have spent their savings on traditional marriage rites, white wedding, multiple ceremonies, clothing, food, transportation and entertainment.
After the celebration, they have no savings.
They have no money to furnish their home.
They have no capital to establish a small business.
They cannot pay school fees when children arrive.
They have borrowed money from friends and relatives and must spend the first years of their marriage repaying debts.
Is that the future we want for our children?
I believe we can do better.
Instead of spending ₦10 million on ceremonies, perhaps the couple could use part of that money to rent or build a home, establish a business, pursue postgraduate education, purchase equipment for their professions or create savings for the future.That is also a celebration of marriage.
In fact, it may be the more meaningful celebration.Traditional Rites Should Not Become a Burden on Women Either
The conversation should also consider the position of the bride.
Sometimes the assumption is that because the groom’s family is traditionally expected to bear many of the expenses, the financial burden does not concern the woman.
But it does.The woman is marrying the man who is being financially exhausted by the process.
If her husband begins marriage under heavy debt, she will inevitably feel the consequences.Therefore, reducing excessive marriage expenses is not merely about helping men.
It is about helping couples.
A financially stable husband and wife have a better opportunity to build their home, support their children and contribute positively to their extended families.
Traditional Leaders Have an Important RoleTraditional rulers, elders, family heads and community leaders should lead this reform.
They are the custodians of culture.
They have the moral authority to say:
“This is enough.”
They can review marriage lists and remove unnecessary items.
They can reduce the number of stages.
They can discourage multiple demands for money.
They can prevent relatives from turning marriage ceremonies into opportunities for personal financial gain.
They can encourage families to accept symbolic gifts instead of excessive demands.
Most importantly, they can educate younger generations that the dignity of culture is not measured by extravagance.
Let Us Not Confuse Tradition with Exhibition
There is an increasing tendency in modern society to turn weddings into public exhibitions of wealth.
Social media has intensified this pressure.
People see elaborate weddings online and begin to believe that their own marriage must look equally extravagant.
Families may become concerned about what the community will say.
The result is unnecessary competition.
But marriage is not a competition.
A marriage ceremony lasts a day or several days.
A marriage itself may last decades.
Therefore, our priorities must change.
Let us spend less on impressing the community and more on building the home.
Let us spend less on ceremonies and more on the future.
Let us spend less on unnecessary demands and more on education, housing, healthcare and economic empowerment.
Culture Must EvolveThere is nothing un-African about changing a cultural practice to meet contemporary realities.
Culture has always evolved.
Our grandparents did not live exactly as our parents lived.
Our parents did not live exactly as we live today.
The marriage institutions of the future will also differ from those of the past.
What must remain is the value, not necessarily every procedure.
Let respect remain.
Let family involvement remain.Let parental blessing remain.Let cultural identity remain.
Let the dignity of the bride remain.Let the commitment of the groom remain.
But let unnecessary financial burdens go.
A Proposal for ReformI therefore propose that communities across Nigeria, particularly communities where traditional marriage ceremonies have become financially demanding, consider the following:
1. Establish a modest and symbolic bride price.
The bride price should be affordable and should never be treated as the monetary value of the woman.
2. Create a standardised basic marriage list within each community.
The list should contain only culturally essential items.
3. Remove unnecessary personal demands.
Marriage should not require the groom to buy expensive gifts for numerous relatives unless these are genuinely essential to the established custom.
4. Reduce the number of ceremonies.Where several ceremonies serve essentially the same purpose, communities should consider combining them.
5. Make elaborate ceremonies optional.
Families with financial capacity may celebrate lavishly, but those who cannot afford it should not be regarded as having conducted an inferior marriage.
6. Encourage couples to invest in their future.
Part of the money saved from excessive marriage expenses should be encouraged for housing, education, business, healthcare and family savings.
7. Protect the consent and dignity of both partners.
No cultural practice should make a consenting adult couple feel that marriage is impossible because they cannot satisfy excessive financial demands.
8. Let traditional rulers lead the reform.
Cultural reform is most effective when it comes from respected custodians of the culture themselves.
Marriage Is Bigger Than the Marriage Ceremony
At the end of the day, the most important question is not:
“How much did you spend to marry?”
The more important questions are: Are you happy together?
Do you respect one another?
Can you communicate?
Can you provide a safe and stable home for your children?
Can you support each other through sickness, unemployment, disappointment and old age?
Can you build something together?
That is marriage.
A beautiful traditional ceremony is wonderful.
A colourful Iya celebration is beautiful.
Our cultural clothes, music, food, dances, family gatherings and traditional rites are precious aspects of our identity.
But culture should serve human beings.
Human beings should not be impoverished in order to satisfy culture.
Conclusion: Preserve the Culture, Reduce the Burden
Nigeria does not need to abandon bride price or traditional marriage.We need to rethink them.
Let us retain the values that unite families and remove the excesses that divide or discourage intending couples.
Let the bride price be a token.Let the traditional rites be meaningful.
Let the number of processes be reduced.
Let unnecessary demands disappear.
Let Iya and other traditional marriage forms retain their cultural dignity without becoming a financial contest.
Let parents remember that the young man standing before them is not merely coming to take away their daughter. He is coming to establish a new family that will, in time, become part of the wider family.
Instead of asking, “How much can he give us?”, perhaps we should also ask:
“How can we help these two young people build a successful home?”
That is the question that should guide marriage reform in contemporary Nigeria.
Our culture is precious.
But culture must breathe.
Culture must adapt.
Culture must respond to changing times.
And above all, culture must help us build stronger families not make marriage so expensive that young people are afraid to begin the journey.
The future of marriage in Nigeria should not be determined by who can afford the most elaborate ceremony.
It should be determined by love, commitment, responsibility, mutual respect, family support and the willingness of two people to build a life together.
Let us preserve our traditions, but let us remove the burdens that have outlived their usefulness.
Let marriage be affordable enough to begin and meaningful enough to last.
